People with Disabilities Face Unique
Grief, Loss Issues
by Jo Lambert
It is not generally understood
or addressed by our society that people with disabilities experience
more grief and loss on an almost daily basis than the general public.
Much of the grief and loss for the person with a disability is the
same as that for the person without a disability. However, the person
with a disability has the added dynamic of a daily reminder—the
disability itself. Unfortunately, professional caregivers both public and private
are not educated to understand the grieving process in general and are less aware
of the particular needs of the individual with a disability.
Mental health professionals in the field of grief and loss recommend
that caregivers become educated in how grief affects the life of
a person with a disability. Indeed, the accumulation of losses can
become a serious health concern for someone with a disability. These
losses are not necessarily due to a death; they can stem from other
issues as well: health, location, jobs, aging process, change in
a caregiver (affecting ones sense of security) and change in ones
general health (often demanding new compensations). So many losses
can lead to frustration for the person with a disability.
If the person with the
disability is unable to express why they are feeling depressed
or stressed, the problem may well go unchecked or not addressed.
Providers both private and public often do not show sensitivity
toward people with disabilities unless the person is able to express
the loss. It takes a lot of energy to be able to express how you
are feeling. Add in the daily frustrations for the person with
a disability and it is doubly hard. Even when people with a disability
may want to talk about what’s bothering them,
the caregiver might not want to hear the person’s thoughts
or feelings, because they are unable to change the situation, or
they are not aware of the different areas of grief and loss that
are part of the daily life of their client.
Although there is general
information available on grief and loss from many Web sites, information
pertaining to the added concerns for a person with a disability
is not as readily available. I found Kathy Sherer’s work
to be very helpful and have included her study as part of this
article. As follows:
Loss is an inevitable
part of life, and grief is a natural part of the healing process.
The reasons for grief are many, such as the loss of a loved one,
the loss of health, and the letting go of a long time dream. Dealing
with a significant loss can be one of the most difficult times
in a person’s life.
Different Kinds of Loss
Feelings
of loss are very personal and only you know what is significant
to you. People commonly associate certain losses with strong feelings
of grief. These can include: death of a partner, death of a roommate,
death of a parent or child, death of a sibling, death of a relative,
death of a colleague/classmate, loss of a close friend, serious
illness of a loved one, relationship breakup. Subtle or less
obvious losses can also cause strong feelings of grief, even thought
those around you may not know the extent of your feelings. Some examples
include: loss of health through illness, death of a pet, move
to a new home, loss of a physical ability, leaving home, loss of
mental ability, change of job, graduation, loss of financial security.
Sudden Versus Predictable
Loss
Sudden or shocking losses—due to events like crimes, accidents,
or suicide—can be traumatic. There is no way to prepare. They
can challenge your sense of security and confidence in the predictability
of life. You may experience symptoms such as sleep disturbance, nightmares,
distressing thoughts, social isolation, or severe anxiety. Predictable
losses—like those due to terminal illness—sometimes allow
more time to prepare for the loss. However, they create two layers
of grief: the grief related to the anticipation of the loss and the
grief related to the final loss.
How Long Does Grief Last?
The
length of the grief process is different for everyone. There is
no predictable schedule for grief. Although it can be quite painful
at times, the grief process cannot be rushed. It is important to
be patient with yourself as you experience the feelings and your
unique reactions to the loss. With time and support, things generally
do get better. However, it is normal for significant dates, holidays
or other reminders to trigger feelings related to the loss. Taking
care of yourself, seeking support, and acknowledging your feelings
during these times are ways that can help you cope.
Grief Reactions
When experiencing
grief it is common to feel: like you are going crazy, unable to
focus or concentrate, irritable or angry (at the deceased, oneself,
others, higher power) , frustrated or misunderstood, anxious, nervous,
or fearful, like you want to escape, guilt or remorse, ambivalence,
numbness,
How You Can Cope with Grief
Talk to family or friends,
read poetry or books, exercise, seek spiritual support, join a support
group, be patient with yourself, engage in social activities, eat
good foods, take time to relax, listen to music, let yourself feel
grief, Each one of us has an individual style of coping with painful
times. The list above may help you generate ideas or create a list
of your own about how to manage your feelings of grief. You may want
to experiment with these ideas or. Talking to friends who have dealt
with loss in the past can help you generate new ways of coping. Only
you know what coping skills will fit best with your personality and
lifestyle. One way to examine your own style of coping is to recall
the ways you’ve
dealt with painful times in the past. It’s important to note
that some ways of coping with grief are helpful, like talking to
others, writing in a journal, and so forth. Others may be hurtful
or destructive to the healing process, like substance abuse or
isolation. Healthy coping skills are important in resolving a loss.
They cannot take away your feelings of loss. They can, however,
help you move forward in the healing process.
How You Can Support Others
Who are Grieving
Be a good listener. Just sit
with them. Ask about their loss. Make telephone calls. Let them feel
sad. Do not minimize grief. Ask about their feelings. Share your
feelings. Remember the loss. Acknowledge
the pain. Be available when you can. Talk about your own losses.
People who are grieving
often feel isolated or lonely in their grief. Soon after the loss,
social activities and support from others may decrease. As the
shock of the loss fades, there is a tendency on the part of the
griever to feel more pain and sadness. Well-meaning friends may
avoid discussing the subject due to their own discomfort with grief
or their fear of “making the person feel bad.” They
may “not know what to say.”
People who are grieving
are likely to fluctuate between wanting some time to themselves
and wanting closeness with others. They may want someone to talk
to about their feelings. Showing concern and thoughtfulness about
a friend shows that you care. It’s better
to feel nervous and awkward sitting with a grieving friend than to
not sit there at all. ![]()
Taken from: Life After Loss
by Kathy Sherer, Ph.D. (From the University of Texas, Counseling
and Mental Health Center). Updated in 2005
