ADHD and the Keys to Motivation
by
Lisa Simmons
Motivation! What an
abstract concept. Most of us struggle to motivate ourselves through
our own daily “to do” list.
But when the teacher
starts telling you, “your child’s
so smart—she could get better grades if only she’d try” or “he
has a real attitude problem” . . . it seems like our responsibility
as parents to “motivate” our kids too.
Unfortunately, our best
efforts at motivating others often come out simply as “nagging.” And no one wants a child who
is angry, depressed or dissolved in tears with cries of “I’m
just too stupid” or “it’s too boring.”
So how do we turn this around and understand the core of motivating
kids who are struggling with ADHD, before their self esteem ends
up in a nose-dive?
Just this past week
I was talking with a Mom who was frustrated with her son’s teachers because none of them seemed to care
and they weren’t “motivated” to help him. Here’s
the explanation I offered for her consideration:
“I know it feels like the teachers don’t care, but the
reality may be that they are in survival mode. When you know you
can’t make a situation better, human nature tells you to, “get
out of the situation as quickly as possible with as few scars as
possible.” For teachers this may translate into withdrawing.
Seeing your son every day will hurt if they feel like they are failing
him. But if they label your son as a behavior problem or trouble
maker who is choosing to fail, then they don’t have to feel
like they failed as a teacher.”
Even as I wrote that
paragraph I thought, “I bet her son would
understand that feeling.” How many kids with ADHD are in survival
mode; just trying to make it through the constant struggle of school
with as few scars as possible.
Can you hear their thought
process?
• If I don’t make
eye contact, maybe the teacher won’t
call on me.
• If I don’t turn
in the assignment, I won’t
get back a paper full of big red check marks that make me feel bad.
• If
I don’t ask extra questions I may not understand
the assignment, but at least the other kids won’t call me “stupid.”
• If
I act up and don’t try, then I don’t have to
admit (to myself or anyone else) that I tried and failed.
Your child with ADHD
wants to succeed just as much as you want him/her too. They just
don’t believe it’s possible, and sometimes
physically, it’s not— without some help. But there are
some keys that can unlock this problem.
Motivation Key #1
Set Up a Success System
Kids with ADHD tend
to be experiential learners. So far they have experienced frustration,
failure, and defeat. What they have learned is that “trying harder” doesn’t help. It just makes
failure more painful. The point? Don’t expect success in an
environment built for failure.
You and your child’s
teacher have to actively work at creating a classroom where he/she
can learn successfully. The two most common motivation problems
in the classroom for kids with ADHD tend to be boredom or overwhelm.
Look at the situations where your child is withdrawing into sullen
silence or active rebellion.
Once you have identified
the problem, it’s much easier to
solve. Either by reducing environmental distractions or working with
your child’s teacher to incorporate more challenging or more
interactive learning tasks.
For practical classroom accommodation ideas, check out:
www.additudemag.com.
Motivation Key #2
Stand in Their Shoes
If you want your child
to behave and respond differently then you need to understand and
respect their feelings and INVOLVE them in finding or creating
solutions that they aren’t embarrassed
to use and that they truly believe will make a difference.
For a little insight
into your child’s thinking, I recommend
the article, “12 Things High School Students with ADD/ADHD
Would Like Their Teachers (and parents) To Know”
To make a long term
impact on your child’s classroom motivation,
encourage her teacher to spend a few minutes each day just talking
to your child about anything but school. Not only will their relationship
improve, but your child’s desire to please them should increase
and the teacher will gain insights into your child and his interests
that will help them interact more successfully and plan lessons more
individualized to your child.
Motivation Key #3
Find an Island
No, not for you to run away to; this paradise is for your child
to experience.
T. Berry Brazelton,
M.D. puts it this way, “One of the most
helpful things you can do is to appreciate your child for exactly
who he is. If he’s shy, don’t push him to be outgoing.
If she’s active, don’t insist that she sit quietly. Reinforce
your child for the things she CAN do rather than emphasizing those
he can’t. Look for “islands of excellence”, pursuits
your child enjoys and is good at and then let her know how proud
you are.”
That is your child’s “island of excellence.” What
is their passion: Art, Karate, Dance, Computers?
Remember that experiential
learner I talked about—your child
needs to experience success. A child who recognizes his own unique
gifts and has “tasted success” will have the self esteem
to work harder at things that are more of a struggle.
Things at school aren’t likely to turn around over night.
It will take persistence and some trial and error to get “your
system of support” just right. In the meantime, these activities
can be the key to offering your child joy, increased self esteem,
and the chance to see increased effort result in real success. All
of which builds that internal motivation both of you are searching
for! n
Lisa Simmons is the
director of the Ideal Lives Project, “Connecting
Advocates with Answers” at www.idealLives.com, a Web site
that provides information on advocacy and inclusion written specifically
for parents. Subscribe to her free E-zine, The Ideal Lives Express,
for more great tips like these and empower yourself!
