George Vs. "The Inner
Tyrant"
by Peter Feigal
Editor's Note: Pete is on vacation so we are dusting off one of
his past columns. We hope he is back writing for us next month.
Almost every waking moment, I hear
a voice inside my head. Granted, you’re reading someone who has battled mental illness for 30
plus years, and even though I am not delusional, admittedly during
that time I’ve seen a few shows that were not listed, I mean
they were not in the TV Guide. But it isn’t that kind of voice.
It’s that stream of consciousness just below the surface, the
voice that does a running commentary on the movie/ball game that
is my life, something we all have in one way or another as our minds
are fitted with and process data.
As long as I can remember, my narrator
has always had a dark streak, a way of slipping a dagger past my
defenses, a way of always making me feel less-than, trivial, worthless.
George, my old cognitive group leader at Abbott-Northwestern, called
it the “Inner Tyrant” as
he believed that there wasn’t any better term for this judgmental
dictator that lived inside so many. It seemed to exist most often
inside people who had been hurt, betrayed or traumatized by others,
especially people in authority or who were supposed to be our protectors.
The abuse suffered left a residual wound that is hard to heal, a
message that one must be really worthless-bad-guilty if the ones
that were closest to us, who knew us best, abused us instead of loved
us.
The “Inner Tyrant’ ‘is the voice inside that says
that every victory is hollow, that every defeat is total. The voice
that says “Why bother? You’ll only screw up in the end.” The
voice that sabotages me and then says, “See, I told you so.” It’s
the voice that tells me that whatever I do, it isn’t enough,
and that whatever I am, I will always be alone and unloved. It’s
the voice of society telling me that I am lazy, weak, and flawed
of character. It’s the voice of every teacher who humiliated
me, every person that rejected me, every family member who was disappointed
with me. It’s me at my worst. It is judgment and guilt and
pain. But it’s me.
The Bible says to “love others as yourself.” Maybe that’s
the problem with the world. So many of us are constantly at war with
ourselves, there isn’t time or energy for others. Many of us
know what it’s like to live inside someone who hates you, and
it’s very “my-sided.”
So what’s the answer? 1 know what George would say if he were
here. He’d say, “Pete, remember the paradoxical law of
change: ‘It’s only when I accept myself as I am that
I can change.’” He’d say, “You’re not
crazy by feeling this way. Considering all of the terrible and traumatic
things that have happened, what you’re feeling is actually
pretty appropriate, and just staying alive has been a miraculous
thing.” George would say, “You’ve done a terrific
job. You’ve been a good person, a good son, a wonderful child
of God. You are perfectly fine just as you are, and you don’t
need to remake yourself into anyone else. You are a human being,
not a human doing and you don’t have to do or be anyone different
to be loved. You don’t need to ‘buy’ your love.
You are lovable just as you are.”
George’s voice
is the one I hear when I need kindness and mercy. I have a hard
time saying nice things about myself, but George was someone who
never lied to me, who never judged me. Someone who gave me hope
that I really was all the good things he said I was. I think that
hell is where you become who you fear you are, and heaven is where
you may become who you hope you are, and George’s
voice is that divine spirit I use to give my heart healing and mercy.
It’s how I have a touch of Heaven to combat my ongoing Hell.
All of us have had a “George” sometime or somewhere in
our lives. A teacher, a friend, a grandparent. A loved one. Trace
your footsteps back to that time, and hear that kind voice again.
Nurture it and keep it close.
